Aoibheann’s Advice to Parents 

No. 25... 

No.24: Never assume summer will arrive in the U.K. 

Just ask Aoibheann's dad. He's been waiting for a decent British summer for decades. Admittedly, every now and again, a special summer arrives and lasts for a few weeks, but that's it. 
Never get optimistic about summers because they are generally disappointing in the U.K, and the only way to virtually guarantee good weather in July is to find it on a plane that lands somewhere in southern Europe. 

No. 23: It is highly unlikely that a swan will break your child's leg 

LEFT: Aoibheann - confused by mythical leg breakers. 
Despite the common consensus, your child is more likley to break a leg after falling from a tree than feeding large birds. 
#swans #brokenfemur #canal #wings #backpacker 

No. 22: Read 1984 by George Orwell 

This book predicted so many things. If you want to understand why we are constantly under surveillance and brainwashed into being subservient robots, you need to read this. 

No. 21: Don't Go Out Without Your Child's Consent 

A toxic mix of socialising, Oscar winning films and alcohol lead to childish behaviour after parents went feral in Nottingham City centre. 
Aoibheann was incandescent with rage after hearing that both her parents had absconded for a few hours over the weekend commencing 6th March, 2016. 
She feels bitterly disappointed and ashamed that they managed to escape the clutches of perpetual parenthood for the second time within a year. 
#aoibheannsSuite #childish #escaped #suede #gameboy 

No. 20: Don't Encourage Your Children To Eat Themselves To Death 

Obesity - a real threat to humanity. 
According to the European Association for the Study of Obesity, obesity has doubled since 1980, leading to 2.8 million adult deaths each year. 
Obesity is preventable. We love our children, and yet 40 million children under five were overweight in 2011. 
65% of the world's population live in countries where obesity kills more people than underweight. 
#obesitykills #cloudywithachanceofmeatballs #mcdonalds #cocacola #burgerking 

No.19: Don't Spend Money On Cash Points 

Just when you think you've been ripped off enough... 
You've paid tax on your hard-earned cash; you've paid tax on clothes, appliances, petrol and vehicles. Now, the f#c@'s at DC Payments are charging you 18.5% to draw out £10 of your own post-tax profits. 
And where do they do this? In a place where one is most vulnerable and liable to make rash and ridiculous decisions - like paying £1.85 to withdraw money: the pub. 
Aoibheann feels double the exploitation. 
#ripoffbritain #aoibheannsSuite #dcpayments #scam #money #trowell #festival 

No.18: Don't Travel On Public Transport With Children  

LEFT: As viewed by the drunks who collapsed on a Saturday evening bus. 
84: the combined number of middle-aged piss-heads who cram themselves onto a Trent Barton No. 2 bus, from Nottingham to Cotmanhay, from Friday afternoon onwards, and then try to explain to everyone else that they are the higher, intellectual mammals 
It's not just the drunks who show contempt to parents. Surprisingly unsympathetic, old people with shopping trollies insist that pushchairs no longer belong on public transport. Biggoted and twisted, they insist that they had to walk in 'their day', and couldn't even afford the bus fare. 
If it wasn't for all the mobility scooters on the pavements and the over-abundance of trolley-laden pensioners who haven't rolled over and died to make way for a younger generation, Aoibheann's pushchair might actually fit on the path. 

No.17: Don't Let The Grass Grow Under Your Child's Feet 

The secret of a good value, great looking lawn : get a child to mow it for fun.  
#qualcastmower #flymo #greenthumb #miraclegarden #hayter 

No.16: Girls Don't Play Football 

When it comes to keeping your little ones entertained, just consider Aoibheann's father's misunderstanding. He believed that one of the loveliest things about having a daughter was that she would never be motivated by nonsensical ball-kicking activities.  
Having wasted half his life kicking a football around, he believed that his daughter would show no interest in football and so be free of this burden and consider other meaningful activities. 
LEFT: It really is such a relief to know that one can now concentrate all of her attention towards more interesting and purposeful pursuits, rather than running around a park all afternoon with a football. 

No.15: Never Introduce Children To Hose Pipes 

Water through a hose is like highly addictive crack cocaine to children. Once they have experienced it, they can't get enough. Even when their own body temperature is so dangerously low that they are on the brink of being frozen like Han Solo in carbonite, the child will continue to suck in the experience of aquatic fun. 
And you try and prize that pipe from their grasp; it's like taking a cub from an enraged tigress on acid with a Masters Degree in 'bad temper', from the University of Scorn. 
Even in the depths of winter, Aoibheann will fight with her father for the glory and much coveted title of 'Hosepipe Maniac'.  
Aoibheann says, "Whatever you do, keep that thing away from your child until they have left school. If unsupervised, nowhere will be left dry, arid or sacred." 

No.14: Don't Drink & Drive 

It goes without saying really, although only a handful of people actually die each year from accidents involving a drunken driver.  
Annually, the Police make a huge issue of drink driving by advertising scenes of noisy, cider-fuelled merrymakers who lack a designated driver who isn't as pissed as a fart. The ensuing catastophe that follows brings forth a message that the occasion of automotive drunken revalry is more common than blood clots, cancer and stroke. Statistically, a child is more likely to be killed by a dementia suffer who is travelling the wrong way up a pedestrianised area, than a drunk driver.  
However, just like a parent smoking in a car with a baby, Aoibheann deplores the idea of sipping Grandpa's cough medicine whilst in control of heavy machinery. It's a bloody stupid idea. 
LEFT: Aoibheann - Abandoned as she slumps intoxicated in the seat of her vehicle, wallowing in her own urine. 

No.13: Don't Judge Other Parents 

"Dad, have you got a light?" -  
We are all different, for different reasons. This is why we all evolve individually. Even twins, raised by the same parents, in exactly the same environment, under the same conditions, are often very different from each other. 
Just because Aoibheann's Dad allows her to smoke, it doesn't mean her Dad's a negligent piece of shit. 

No.12: Find Something Creative To Do When Baby Is Asleep 

It doesn't happen too often - Aoibheann's father knows all too well - but when baby does sleep, to help one relax and just take a load off the hectic day, do something useful to end the day - like knocking back a bottle of wine - it will just take the edge off and help restore balance until the early morning. 
LEFT: When baby is asleep on the sofa, on rainy evenings, boredom often overtakes the mind, and parents become unaccountably creative with alphabetic cereals. 

No.11: Explain The Disappointment Of British Sport. 

Waiting decades for a Wimbledon Champion, not winning a World Cup since 1966, Audley Harrison, and witnessing countries dominate us in sports we originally invented, being British is often difficult if you are a sports fan. And, it's not about the taking part that matters, it's the winning. However, even winners can't win all the time, but it's nice to know that the team you support actually made the effort, unlike Ricky Hatton who spent most of his days training for a fight with booze and cocaine.  
Aoibheann's advice is that kids should be readily prepared for the worst sporting case scenario early in their lives. That way, they can only be overjoyed when something positive actually happens, and never too disappointed when it all goes horribly wrong......again. 
LEFT: Mummy consoling Aoibheann after she caught the last hour of the England Vrs Rep. Ireland game - 
"Dad, you told me that football was a form of entertainment - I've been grossly misinformed! That was shockingly dull. Honestly, Dad, were they really the finely tuned athletes that are the cream of English football? Or did I just witness a bunch of middle-aged cocaine adicts running around on a community service break in Rhyl?" 

No.10: Always Forgive Dad For Dressing His Daughter Incorrectly 

Hear me out. It's not as complicated as you might believe; it's really quite bloody obvious why we struggle to comprehend female fashion.  
Men generally have simple wardrobes. Einstein suggested that we should not spend too much time in a morning wasting our mental energy in an attempt to determine what we should ware each day - it detracts from our brain's primary function to carry out more practical, survival, and imaginative tasks. We only have three pairs of shoes, less underwear, and we don't ware ridiculous garments that zip or botton at the back.  
So, to conclude, if you see Aoibheann wandering around the streets with her clothes on back-to-front, don't judge her father; he was paying attention, the outfit must have been designed incorrectly, in an attempt to disgrace and confuse the father. Perhaps, some idiot has sown a zip or buttons onto the back of the outfit to make it appear as if it should be put on the other way around.  

No. 9: Don't Encourage Children Too Much 

Mentally, the rewards of encouraging words are as nourishing as breast milk. We should encourage and praise our children to allow them to grow confident and find positivity in all aspects of their developing lives. 
However, in certain areas, too much encouragement can be dangerous. Take Aoibheann for example, one minute we were smiling and using positive body language because Aoibheann could manoeuvre furniture to make her surroundings more comfortable for herself, the next minute we have a mini Feng Shui expert on our hands and we are fighting to take tables, chairs and cabinets from her grasp. (see Aoibheann's likes). 
LEFT:- "This room needs recreating to support and nourish one's health. Currently, the balance is all wrong and not indicative of surroundings that allow love and energy to flow freely through it. I shall move this mundane, cold looking plastic chair in an attempt to soak away the sadness and encourage vitality in these dull, joyless furnishings." - Feng Shui expert, Aoibheann, talking the kind of utter twaddle that has made gullible pretentious folk part with a stack of cash, just because their sofa doesn't face the North Star. 

No. 8: Don't Let Baby Strangle Mum 

Despite the temptation, it is not wise for baby to cut off his/her natural milk supply at such an early age. Besides a number of many other valid reasons, baby losing one parent is neither economically or affectionately beneficial.  
Personally, I am of the opinion that one can have many fathers, but one's biologically mother is completely irreplaceable. It's easy for a man to make a life, but to care for one, nurture it, love it unconditionally, and dedicate yourself to it is something that only emotionally strong men can do. Rarely do mothers have to step-up to the mark to prove their dedication; it's an instinctive strength that makes a mother the most important person in a baby's life.  
Just by not abandoning Aoibheann at an early age, I will have surpassed all the lame parenting aspects of my own spineless and insignificant father.  

No.7: There Are Alternatives To Medical Science 

When faced with abject poverty and the physical hardships of parenthood, there are alternatives to selling your children to medical science. 
Aoibheann's poor mother, with holes in her clothes, decided to put Aoibheann on a train and send her away to be integrated into the Restavec System, where she will live under an oppressive regime of modern day slavery in Haiti. 
Aoibheann's Mum has peace of mind in knowing that Aoibheann will be better taken care of by a new and wealthier set of parents, and she will have a better standard of living in Haiti than she will in England, under vicious Tory supremacy.  
ABOVE: - Aoibheann warned her parents that she would only be interested in wrapping paper, and so any attempt to impress her with fancy toys and oppulent gifts would be futile and unnecessary.  
To save money, Aoibheann suggests giving children orange peel and Chinese newspapers for the first five Christmas' of their life. 

No.6: Don't Spoil Your Child When They Are Unable To Appreciate The Expense 

It's amazing how little babies need to develop. Take into consideration all those really intelligent people out there who grew up with nothing in the third-world, and turned out to be hugely successful. They didn't need the nonsensical Christmas gifts; the baby laptop, the baby Audi, and the baby zoo. 
Aoibheann suggest that parents ignore the media and the evil of advertising; stop trying to compete with friends, family and neighbours. Aoibheann will never thank her parents for all the crap they bought her last Christmas. Aoibheann's desires are limited, and she believes love, education, and comfort are far more important that the latest innovation for babies - it's all bullshit! 
Adults constantly believe it's important and worthwhile to fulfill their needs as consumers. Aoibheann is telling those adults that their childish behaviour is not for babies and children. Capitalism demands that we work to eat and spend; Aoibheann demands that you don't spend that money on pointless, boring baubles for babies - they won't appreciate it and they won't benefit from the majority of over-priced toys anyway.  
ABOVE:- Aoibheann's reaction, upon listening to a speech from modern-day philosopher, Cheryl Cole. 

No.5: Moral Guidance Can Be Sought From The Great Philosophers 

Aoibheann regularly questions truth, morality, and justice. But, despite 3000 years of trying, humanity has never managed to conjure the questions to our central meaning.  
In the 21st century, do we really know what makes us tick? There is a widespread interest in philosophy, and the wise words that were documented 2000 years ago still hold true today. Aoibheann is amazed by the fact that, throughout the centuries, people never appear to have listened to the likes of Socrates (Not Dr. Socrates, the Brazilian footballer from the 80's), Marx, Plato, Athur Schopenhauer and, more recently, Bertrand Russell. 
Aoibheann says that these are the celebrities of our past, and we should adhere to what they had to say, and not listen to the bullshit we are fed from the capitalist media and the s0-called 'stars' of today. What these people told us had meaning and carried a strength of value and veracity. We must heed their pleas and be guided by them. 

No.4: Why You Should Be Careful What You Wish For 

Just like every image conscious female, Aoibheann was concerned that her hair wasn't growing as rapidly as it should. One minute, she had baby fine hair, the next minute, she looks like a groupie for Led Zepplin. The little fair-haired Nazi-youth girl has turned into Captain Caveman. 
Aoibheann, shortly before being pulled over by the Police; three times over the drink-drive limit and in possession of an unlicensed firearm. Little to my knowledge, Aoibheann has been pulling drive-bys in the local village. 

No.3: Don't Let Your Possessions Own You 

What happens when the car won't start in the morning? How inconvenient is the malfunction of an electrical appliance? When the cooker is knackered or the washing machine breaks, it's time consuming and a drain on financial resources. 
What we own, to a certain extent, ends up owning us. Aoibheann likes to point out the emotional stress, expense, and the hassel of car ownership. The second most expensive item one can own is convenient freeedom for the majority of us, but the average car spends 95% of its existence stationery; on a driveway, at the side of the road or in a garage. Not only are petrol prices ridiculously exploitative in this country but we also have the road tax, insurance, the entrapment of mobile speed cameras, and the emotional baggage of the MOT to contend with - Will it pass; won't it? It's a dinosaur. The entire industry is hanging on to this bizarre affection for a two-hundred-year-old combustion engine encased in metal. Car vanity is crazy and anti-progressive to the human mind and nature's resources. Jeremy Clarkson is a fraud, in league with Henry Ford and General Motors. And don't even get Aoibheann started on those people spending £billions to advertise the fact that ours lives are improved so much by sitting in traffic in the latest technology on four wheels; travelling at an average speed of 12mph. 
Aoibheann says, 'Liberate yourselves, scrap the f@qk!ng thing!' When Aoibheann starts in a morning, she expects the damn car to start; no excuses. The car carries no guarantees. Imagine the freedom from all the woes of pro-government travel. It's like a weight has been lifted. Claim the existing road tax back, wipe the rust from the bicycle pedals, and watch the economy collapse. 

No.2: Don't Trust Mr. Tickle 

With a string of sexual harassment charges against him and an endless number of restraining orders, Mr. Tickle is the most sinister of all Mr. Men.  
Previously an employee at the BBC, fifty-two year-old Tickle is now unemployed and living with his octogenarian mother in a council flat, in North Yorkshire. He spends his days reading back issues of 'Guns & Ammo' magazine and attending sex therapy classes. He still visits Jimmy Saville's grave and sends prison letters to Rolf Harris and Stuart Hall. 
When he's not in prison, Tickle regularly plays the National Lottery, and his dream is to live on a private island in Thailand with his musical hero, Paul Gadd. 

No.1: Don’t Eat Your Baby 

No matter how yummy they look, they always taste like slugs and moths on a McDonalds’s salty Bap. 
Don’t believe the sugar and spice hype. 
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