Met Office expected to issue another beautiful day warning. 

As temperatures remain at a level most British people expect to find when paying for a holiday in southern Europe, the Met Office has warned against going outside and not travelling unless absolutely necessary. READ MORE... 

England squad meets to discuss Bitcoin. 

Once the search is over to find a decent breakfast, England manager, Gareth Southgate, will sit down with his squad of uninhibited buccaneers to discuss the speculative bubble of a cryptocurrency, surviving a chemical attack, and which player is bedding the best looking woman. READ MORE... 

Child hates to feel joy within her body. 

A four-year-old girl from Tuscany is moving to the UK because she hates to feel joy in her body. READ MORE... 

What's Going On? 

A big question facing conscientious, free-thinking individuals, with a colourful grasp of the English language, is: 'what the f*@/ is going on?' READ MORE... 

Eight-year-old discovers 'nonexistent' word. 

For generations, it has been believed that the word 'can't' was either obsolete or a thing of myth. READ MORE... 

Boba Fett working at E.on call centre. 

Ageing bounty hunter, Boba Fett, is working in an oppressive call centre environment, at E.on, Nottingham. And he f@*!in' hates it. READ MORE... 

Elaborate kitchen with expensive worktops fails to get recognition at a party. 

When Carol Stokes, 56, from Trowell, Nottingham, asked overpriced Moben to help design and install an expensive kitchen with the ambience of an international climate, an inspirational colour scheme of vibrant palettes, striking mosaic wallpaper, Laura Ashley floor tiles, huge lanterns, and intricate appliances set against new French doors, offering a real sense of romance within an intimate space, little did she realise that nobody really gives a shit about someone else's kitchen. READ MORE... 

New generation of children inspired by Robbie Fowler's property portfolio. 

A new generation of children are said to be inspired by the business acquisitions of former professional footballer, Robbie Fowler, with over 70% of eight-year-olds convinced that Robbie Fowler is the little man from the board game Monopoly. READ MORE... 

Russia:- "British cruise missiles were taken out by a child's bow and arrow." 

An ineffectual act masquerading as a noble gesture has been ridiculed further by Russian President, Vladimir Putin, who claims allied missiles were taken out by archaic Russian defence systems and children's toys. READ MORE... 

Windrush scandal - Millions hoping they will not have to return to the UK. 

Unlike those caught in the recent outcry over fears of deportation in "error", millions of British citizens are hoping that their papers will be disregarded by an incompetent Tory government and they will have to stay on a tropical island, forever. READ MORE... 

Exposure to more rain leads to lower happiness expectancy, research finds. 

People who choose to live in countries where it constantly pisses-it down could be cutting years of happiness from their lives. READ MORE... 

Russia blames Tiny Tumble for nerve agent attack. 

Maria Zakharova, from the Russian Foreign Ministry, said, "There is a clear anti-Russian campaign, the like of which we have not seen in the world for a long time." READ MORE... 

Man finds appropriate hat for marijuana industry. 

Billionaire business guru, Wolfgang Williams, 58, believes he has found the appropriate hat for those looking to branch out into the marijuana farming industry. READ MORE... 

Homeless man makes outrageous claim. 

A homeless man, sleeping rough on the streets of Nottingham, has made an outrageous claim. READ MORE... 

Lol Doll unconcerned with hip-to-waist ratios. 

"I'm not concerned with anyone's statistics," said Touchdown," a four-year-old professional Lol Doll, from Nottingham. "I know what I have to do to be content, and it's all about ignoring the system of comparative standards, and staying abreast of social expectations. Reality is a harsh blow. I will be in the wrong psychological state if I expect to be happy." READ MORE... 

Pigs fear the threat of A.I. 

Pigs and other farm animals are showing signs of anxiety when faced with the reality that A.I. will eventually take control of the planet. READ MORE... 

BREAKING NEWS: Security breach at Intu shopping centre. 

Intu shopping centre in Derby had to be completely evacuated this afternoon, following a heightened terror alert. READ MORE... 

Soft play centres more dangerous than a Michael Barrymore pool party. 

In a recent survey, 97% of parents said they would rather take their child to a drug-fuelled orgy, hosted by troubled television presenter Michael Barrymore, than allow them to spend two hours unsupervised at a soft play centre in Derby. READ MORE... 

Predatory father found taking pictures of his own daughter. 

Father, Max Engels, 39, from Heanor, Debyshire, was discovered taking pictures of a his own daughter at a soft play centre called Dinky Dino's, only yards from where he resides. READ MORE... 

Big Bad Wolf now small, frail and affable. 

I can think of better ways of spending a weekend in Boston than meeting a former predatory menace. READ MORE... 

Father forgets how to share after leaving business school. 

A father of two has forgotten how to share after becoming an MBA graduate. READ MORE... 

Predictive text is ruining copywriter's professional reputation. 

Copywriter, Sean Palabras, is adamant that his reputation is in tatters following a series of errors found in his work. He blames the predictive text system on his phone for his failed business and claims that he cannot switch it off and secure new clients. READ MORE... 

Bob the Builder sacked. 

Construction manager, Bob, 52, has been made redundant from his position after over 30 years in the industry. READ MORE... 

Limahl will be a baby by 2024. 

Limahl, born Christoper Hamill, 1958, is suffering from a rare condition similar to that of Benjamin Button, which will see him turn into a baby by 2024. READ MORE... 

Snow: nature's warning. 

Top atmospheric scientist, Ricardo Jesus Gonzalez Pedro Montana-Smith, from Toronto University, Canada, delivered a speech yesterday to warn the world against residing in areas prone to long, cold, winters with darkness, freezing rain and snow. READ MORE... 

Second-hand hair bobble market on its knees. 

According to bobble trader, Tanya Humphreys, the second-hand bobble market is on its knees, and unlikely to make a recovery. READ MORE... 

Sledge pulling is a milestone in a child's life. 

It has long been thought that the key milestones in a child's development are walking, talking, reading, writing, and mapping the floor of the Mariana Trench. READ MORE... 

Parents bankrupted by daughter's profuse party invitations. 

A couple from Sneinton, Nottingham, have blamed an overflowing array of party invitations on their financial collapse. 
 
Harold and Patricia Shipman have taken their daughter, Lily, 7, to 94 birthday parties within a year. READ MORE... 

Saudi women to suffer the indignity of bowling shoes. 

Despite radical reforms by war criminal Mohammed bin Salman, the crown prince of Saudi Arabia, woman will still have to suffer the indignity of bowling shoes. READ MORE... 

UK is exempt from global warming. 

The UK has been reclassified as a 'global warming-free zone', by ministers at a climate conference in Paris, yesterday. READ MORE... 

Middle-aged non-smoker to consider vaping. 

Brent Fume, 47, from Trowell, Nottingham, has expressed a desire to start vaping, despite never smoking a cigarette in his entire life. READ MORE... 

Quorn to turn everything into a meat substitute. 

In an attempt to resolve the world's food crisis, Quorn have pledged to turn all food into a meat substitute by 2025. READ MORE... 

Car wash discovered without a Romanian worker. 

A working car wash in Stapleford, Nottingham, has been discovered and it does not employ a Romanian or a single Eastern European. READ MORE... 

Antiques shop vows to sell overpriced s#i!. 

An antiques shop, parading as a purveyor of aesthetically pleasing historical significance, has vowed to sell the same overpriced, insignificant s#i! as every other high street vintage stockist. READ MORE... 

Amazonian tribe longing for 50 years' worth of 40-hour working weeks. 

Members of an Amazonian tribe, who have had no contact with the outside world until October 2017, have said that they are longing to start a mundane and tediously stressful life, working in the UK....READ MORE 

Millennials confused by Hungry Hippos game. 

Millennials are struggling to comprehend the rules for Hungry Hippos, according to a top gaming expert...READ MORE 

Bottled water is a joke. 

Documents have been discovered at the site of the Holy Well, Malvern, England, where bottled water first began, in 1621. READ MORE... 

Snow White still averse to apples. 

It is believed that Snow White is living alone in a remote area of Norway, still in fear of poisonous apples. READ MORE... 

Billions still not joining the Love Train. 

"Despite the initial call, in 1972, there are still billions of people who haven't yet joined the Love Train," says former Thatcherite politician and journalist, Michael Portillo. READ MORE... 

Family member still disowned following premature consumption of After Eight. 

Malcolm Lacecock, 52, has been disowned by his family since Boxing Day, following the consumption of an After Eight mint chocolate thin, at 6.15 in the evening. READ MORE... 

Tories to create Hunger Games society. 

By 2020, Children from the poorest council estates in the country, between the ages of 12 and 18, will be expected to participate in a death match. READ MORE... 

Children built more houses than David Cameron's housing plan. 

Since 2014, Children between the ages of two and nine have built more houses than the flagship government housing plan. READ MORE... 

Doctor's receptionist makes correct diagnosis. 

A Doctor's receptionist has correctly diagnosed a patient for the first time in recorded history. 
 
Amy Bond, 52, a receptionist at a medical practice in Wollaton, Nottingham, correctly diagnosed a clammy gentleman with chest pains, shortness of breath, and a persistent taste of copper, as having a heart attack. READ MORE... 

Cold snap delayed MP's weekly wine delivery. 

The recent weather conditions caused untold chaos for many over the past few days. 
 
Power lines were pulled down by drifts of snow, roads were cut off due to compacted black ice, and many were left stranded without food or internet connection. READ MORE... 

Rats - "We are not P!$$ing on cans and bottles in the cellar." 

A leading member of the rat community has vehemently denounced allegations that rats are continually urinating on cans and bottle tops. READ MORE... 

Winter will last as long as the Daily Mail says so. 

In the indocrinated mind of the Daily Mail reader, winter will last as long as the media says so. 
 
Whether it be the longest winter since Narnia or the hottest summer since a Biblical burning, the bigoted mind of the Daily Mail reader will not accept any conditions beyond that of their favourite tabloid. 
 
Instilling fear like a message from the apocalypse, the Daily Mail even has the money and power to predict death on the first of the month. READ MORE... 

"Christmas No.1 was nothing more than an ATM to me," - Shakin' Stevens. 

Shakin' Stevens (aka Shaky) has finally become outspoken regarding his 1985, Christmas No.1, '"Merry Christmas Everyone"', announcing that it was 'nothing more than an ATM' to him. READ MORE.... 

Gareth Southgate unconcerned that England will not win the World Cup. 

Speaking to Match Weekly, this afternoon, England manager, Gareth Southgate, said, "It's inevitable that England will fail to get beyond the quarter finals and not win the World Cup in Russia, next July. And that isn't important. What is paramount is that the media build the hype, provide that anti-climax feel of disappointment, companies sell gallons of cheap lager, just before we get knocked-out on penalties by a team such as Senegal or Germany." READ MORE... 

Idiot enthused by target-driven sales role. 

Julian Walvin, 27, from Nottingham, has openly admitted to yearning for a pressurised working environment, where he can be exploited with slogans and unachievable targets that serve no purpose and realistically hamper productivity....READ MORE 

Chancellor's budget provides ideal conditions for living in a cardboard box. 

Philip Hammond broke manifesto pledges with his budget of utter complacency to enable first-time buyers to climb the property ladder and purchase a cardboard box....READ MORE 

Witch's cat still missing. 

A witch's cat is still missing after a disastrous halloween. 
 
Eliza Vaux, 47, from Leicester, first reported her cat missing on October 17th, a month tomorrow. READ MORE... 

What will the house of the future look like? 

In an uncertain Britain, with an inept Tory government, it is likely that the house of the future will be energy-efficient - with a complete lack of appliances - and its design will revolutionalise housing for the poor and the 300,000 homeless British people currently in situations of sleeping on the street, sofa-surfing, or living in temporary accommodation. READ MORE... 

Queen concerned that her great-grandchildren might not get on the property ladder. 

Speaking to Duchy owned publication, 'The Poisonous Mushroom', earlier this week, the Queen has expressed grave concerns for the well-being of her great-grandchildren, during times of austerity, homelessness, and growing inequality. READ MORE... 

Slaven Bilić working at autumn fair in Nottingham. 

Sacked West Ham United manager, Slaven Bilić, 49, has applied for income support and now works in a temporary position as an assistant on a children's fairground ride, in Nottingham. READ MORE... 

Children's terror used to arose the witch of Margaret Thatcher. 

Midnight tomorrow, the Tory cabinet will join Prince Philip, Prince Andrew, the Saudi royal family, and other paedophiles, aboard the royal yacht Britannia to cajole the Witch of Thatcher. READ MORE... 

The untold damage of Hurricane Ophelia. 

When thinking of the devastation caused by a hurricane in developing countries, we often mislay the horrors of hurricane aftermath in countries such as Britain, Dubai, and Iceland. READ MORE... 

Tree receives first 'five stars' rating. 

A tree within the grounds of Astley Hall, Chorley, Lancashire, has received the first five-star rating on TripAdvisor. READ MORE... 

Blackpool photographer more traumatised than Kevin Carter. 

Sitting in a greasy-spoon cafe, less than half-a-mile north of Blackpool tower, feature photographer, Gavin Garrow, 33, a gaunt, tense, passionate man, tells us how capturing local life on camera is more harrowing than witnessing starvation, apartheid, or napalm attacks. READ MORE... 

British tourists spend two days a fortnight pointing at faded pictures of fried food. 

The average British holidaymaker spends almost one hour a day searching for British-owned pubs selling all-you-can-eat breakfasts, while pointing at laminated photographs of egg and chips. READ MORE... 

Man sensationalizes his lunch again. 

A 27-year-old I.T. consultant from Nottingham has sensationalized food again by posting pictures of his lunch on Instagram. READ MORE... 

Fisherman tells true waterside tale. 

Fisherman, Glenn Farah, 27, from Sandiacre, has informed close friends that his day fishing on the Erewash Canal, close to his Derbyshire home, resulted in a catch of two perch and a gudgeon. READ MORE... 

F1 to adopt Wacky Races concept. 

Speaking to Sky News this morning, FIA president, Jean Todt, has announced that, as of March 2019, the Formula One World Championship will consist of 11 different cars, 23 people and animals, plus three-time F1 champion and tax avoider, Lewis Hamilton. READ MORE... 

Rain enthusiasts flock to UK. 

Direct from the campsites of Calais and Bilbao, rain enthusiasts from all over the world are flocking to enter Britain for its endless misery of sunless days and rain. READ MORE... 

Tories take British summer and sell it to Saudi Arabia. 

If you haven't already noticed, summer 2017 has gone. It doesn't sit just below the gulf stream or hovering somewhere over the Mediterranean, it's in the hands of Saudi Arabia. READ MORE... 

Provincial town resembles the aftermath of a zombie apocalypse. 

The provincial town of Stapleford in Nottingham has lost its 'thriving hub' status after being ravaged by depravity and the fictional undead. READ MORE... 

Werewolf union calls strike over moonless British nights. 

The NUL (National Union of Lycanthropy) has called an 'all out strike' following a series of moonless nights over the past eighteen months. READ MORE... 

E.on winter bill considered more of a threat to humanity than North Korea & ISIS. 

According to studies, British pensioners are more concerned with the threat of an E.on winter fuel bill than they are from a rogue nuclear attack or an ISIS execution. READ MORE... 

Middle-class family discovered on Skegness beach. 

Residents and visitors to the area have reported sightings of a middle-class family of five enjoying themselves at the deprived east coast resort of Skegness. READ MORE... 

Grown men continue to be overjoyed by prospect of millionaires kicking a ball. 

Just like the idea of a country having a royal family, many people find the perpetual season of Premiership football completely unnecessary and repulsive, especially when it involves men who spend more money on a jacket than the average person spends on a new house. READ MORE... 

Mother and daughter found plotting to rebuild 
their lives without him. 

A father discovered his wife and daughter in a 'selfie liaison' - something now considered worse than 'de-friending' on Facebook; similar to launching missiles across Japan, and a deliberate threat of divorce - and he holds no hope of a reconciliation. READ MORE... 

Barbecue lights itself in contempt for British summer. 

A barbecue from Nottingham has decided to light itself in a defiant stand against the crap British weather. 
 
"I've only been lit twice this year, and that was in the same week," said the barbecue. "My cousins in southern Europe are lit all the time throughout summer." READ MORE... 

Despondent Dyson discouraged by manufacturer's suction promise. 

"I'm not going to lie to you," said the 19-year-old upright Dyson, "sometimes I wish I was landfill." READ MORE... 

Bus passengers surprised by absence of marijuana stench. 

Passengers on the No.15, Ilkeston to Long Eaton, Trent Barton bus, were surprised to board public transport yesterday and not be hit by an objectionable stench of stale marijuana. READ MORE... 

Fairies hit by food bank crisis. 

Speaking to the Daily Mail on Monday evening, Queen Fairy of Little Eaton explained how the drop in the retail price of children's teeth and the cost of utilities are forcing many fairy families to rely on tiny food banks to feed their tiny bellies. READ MORE... 

Bingo night at social club seemed like longest night of barman's life. 

Barman, Noah Arkwright, 23, from Sandiacre, Derbyshire, was trapped in four hours of bingo misery during his first Sunday night shift. READ MORE... 

Shopping with parents is like tooth extraction. 

Whether food shopping in Morrisons or looking at racks and shelves in River Island with Mum, children are suffering, often unnecessarily, on a daily basis. 
 
Children's dentist and advocate of animal cruelty, Richard Dawkins, said, "When a child is walking around IKEA for an hour, it suffers the equivalent pain of tooth extraction without an anaesthetic. It really is emotionally stressful and something that remains in the subconscious mind throughout adulthood." READ MORE... 

Debilitating mental illness for stay-at-home-dads on the increase. 

The recently discovered Daughterdaditis virus, which affects the mental capacity of men over 30 who spend all day, everyday, with a young daughter, is rapidly spreading and has seen dramatic increases. READ MORE... 

'Love Island' contestant surprised to discover that charisma and intelligence can both be attractive features. 

A female contestant on itv2's 'Love Island' was shocked to hear that some men find charismatic personalities and intelligence appealing, when looking for a long-term relationship. READ MORE... 

Three-year-old becomes world's youngest ever permanent holidaymaker. 

A three-year old girl from Nottingham will become the youngest individual to permanently remain on Holiday, just weeks after returning from two weeks in Menorca, Spain. ...READ MORE 

Stormzy lyrics blamed for child's recalcitrant attitude and disrespectful behaviour. 

Parents from Nottinghamshire are resigned to the fact that their daughter's ill behaviour and stubborn, precocious verbal retortion is largely due to her exposure to grime and rap music...READ MORE 

Ambitious sandcastle design thwarted by three-year-old. 

A middle-age man's lifelong dream of appearing on Channel 4's pretentious Grand Designs programme hangs in the balance this morning, as the project has taken a major setback. READ MORE... 

Every sunny day 'too hot for me' says puffer jacket-clad pensioner. 

A survey conducted between 1987 and 2016 concluded that every sunny day in the UK, between March and September, was too hot for Britain's over-sixties. READ MORE... 

'Foam Party' to be added to school curriculum. 

As from September this year, The Holgate Academy in Hucknall, Nottinghamshire, will introduce foam parties into its curriculum in an attempt to engage with its pupils. READ MORE... 

Free-thinking bohemian trapped in all-inclusive resort. 

An artist who lives an unconventional lifestyle amongst like-minded people in Oviedo, Spain, found himself trapped in an all-inclusive resort for a fortnight. 
 
"It was a f#@€!n' nightmare," said the 38-year-old, originally from Nottingham. I didn't even have my guitar or any writing materials with me." 
 
Cameron, who managed to escape the madness of mainstream society in 2004, usually spends his days with friends, expressing creativity, reading poetry, eating tapas, and playing the acoustic guitar in small, intimate bars. READ MORE... 

Father dresses daughter as a nomadic nun in an attempt to encourage asceticism. 

A father from a dank, disregarded region of Nottinghamshire frequently dresses his daughter in the accoutrements of a gypsy nun, in an attempt to encourage life-long celibacy and a disdain for materialism. READ MORE...  

Fridge cannot take anymore crap artwork. 

A defiant fridge has spoken out following the twelfth piece of crap artwork within a month. 
 
"I blame the parents," said the Siemens fridge-freezer," they have no taste. They just keep encouraging that poor child to produce more of the same rubbish. It's like a bad dream that won't go away; like the Tory party." READ MORE... 

Daughter fights with a bottle of wine for her father's affections. 

"It follows us everywhere," said the three-year-old from Nottingham. "It comes to the park, sits on the bus with us, goes for a bike ride, he kisses it, and he drinks its offerings in public. How can I compete with a bottle of 2013 Argentine Pinot Noir, from the Noir Valley, in Patagonia? The conditions are perfect for the delicate grape; it's a very respectable example." READ MORE... 

Man regrets showcasing his cabinet of poison. 

During an afternoon barbecue that extended well into the early hours - and unaccountably into an area of the house with a secret drinks cabinet - James Ballard, 34, from Nottingham, decided to use his collection of wines and spirits as an exhibit for his unique and expensive taste in alcoholic beverages. READ MORE... 

Smoking shelter can be seen from space. 

A smoking shelter at a social club in the East Midlands is so large that it can be viewed from space. READ MORE... 

Nottingham soap company sacrificed staff for human body fat. 

An investigation has been launched following the discovery of human remains in a bar of Cussons 'Imperial Russian Leather'. READ MORE... 

Child believes BR locomotive belongs in a museum of industry. 

The outspoken three-year-old, from Nottingham, made the remark when travelling on the Saturday afternoon, Nottingham to London, Class 43 (HST) diesel locomotive. READ MORE... 

Outdoors council-park workout endorsed by Rocky Balboa. 

Former fictional heavy-weight champion of the world, Rocky Balboa, has given his approval to those who workout in council parks. READ MORE... 

The sun gives English pensioner something else to complain about. 

Bernard Stafford-Smith, from Trowell in Nottinghamshire, has found the perfect excuse to continue his bid to remain a recluse and whinge about every conceivable aspect of life. 
 
Just two months ago, the miserable seventy-year-old was scolding the greedy energy companies and verbally bashing the cold winds...READ MORE 

Child has bronze medal revoked following random Sunny Delight test. 

Aoibheann Williams, 3, from Nottingham, has lost her bronze medal status following the result of a random Sunny Delight test on Monday afternoon. READ MORE... 

Daughter: "Dads should be more like Bruce Jenner." 

Speaking at a conference for 'misaligned, disgruntled and alienated daughters', in Prague, a three-year-old daughter has demanded that fathers should divorce themselves from the 20th century stigma of beer drinking, pipe smoking, football obsessed potatoes, and become transgender, to realign themselves with the sensitive, charismatic, and fashion obsessed nature of exigent daughters. READ MORE... 

Pancreas bemused by beef-based banquet. 

"The red meat is just relentless," said Greg's bloated pancreas, from Nottingham. "Throughout winter we had stews. Now summer is here, the barbecue has come out, and I just have to deal with sausage and burgers." 
 
The disgruntled pancreas became concerned when Greg increased his alcohol consumption and devoured back-to-back mince. READ MORE... 

Boy found reading a book for fun. 

A twelve-year-old has admitted to quietly reading novels in his room, for fun. 
 
Kevin Rushby from Hucknall, Nottinghamshire, was discovered in his bedroom on Wednesday evening, reading Victor Hugo's 'Les Miserables'. READ MORE... 

Bee too busy to live ambiguously. 

In a rare interview, a bee has finally spoken out about the perceived freedom of a bee's life. READ MORE... 

Ageing DJ found lost in the eighties. 

Stuck somewhere between disco and Jamiroquai's 'The Return of the Space Cowboy' album, disc jockey, Barry Jones, has lived the life of a recluse for nearly thirty years. READ MORE... 

Daughter removes father from his bubble. 

After nearly 40 years of submitting to a propaganda bubble, designed to limit the way we envisage the world, a daughter has finally liberated her father. READ MORE... 

Moon - "I am the greatest natural wonder". 

Speaking to 'More' magazine, this month, the Moon has arrogantly announced that he is 'the greatest natural wonder'. READ MORE... 

Skegness to become Jazz capital of Europe 

As we approach summer, many people will have holidays on their mind, and thoughts will drift to that of Skegness, with its brown frothy sea, streets lined with penny arcades, lager-infused vomit, and the stench of its long, dog s***-laden beach. READ MORE... 
 
 

Millions of children subjected to unpaid chores 

Millions of children are being forced to endure hours of unpaid housework in order to manage spare time for their parents to visit the food bank. READ MORE... 
 
 

General Pinochet to feature on new ten pound note 

From October, the new face of the £10 note will be murderous Chilean dictator, Augusto Pinochet. 
 
Responsible for thousands of deaths, torture and countless more missing persons, the former Chilean general has fought off more worthy opponents to achieve such an accolade. And, Mark Carney, the governor of the bank of England, thinks there is no more fitting a character to grace the note than Pinochet - READ MORE... 

Television networks continue to broadcast same crap 

If we continue to watch insanely dull and unimaginative programmes, the television companies have threatened to broadcast more of the same rubbish. READ MORE... 

God regrets not giving Earth enough yellow 

For the first time since Adam was a lad, God speaks candidly about his regrets and failures. 
 
In next month's GQ magazine, God expresses how he got it all wrong in the beginning, and how things just appear to have curtailed out of control. READ MORE... 

Estate agent adapts abstract photos to sell s*** property 

Clive Walvin, a thirty-two year old estate agent from Stapleford, Nottingham, has revealed his trade secrets, prior to the sale of yet another s*** property in a depressed area. READ MORE... 

Taliban donate to the Royal Horticultural Society 

The Sunni Islamic fundamentalist group from Afghanistan are regular donors to the Chelsea Flower Show, an inside source can confirm today. READ MORE... 

Shopkeeper builds an unrivalled reputation upon being obnoxious 

A shopkeeper from Nottinghamshire believes her commercial success is due solely to her vile attitude towards her customers. 
 
So obnoxious and dislikeable, the shopkeeper from Trowell, in Nottinghamshire, even refuses to give her name. READ MORE... 

Breadstick in post Brexit name change 

From July, the producers of the humble breadstick will re-brand the bland item due to a nasty taste left by Brexit. 
 
"They just aren't selling", said Richard Jackal, a consumer researcher for Asda. "People just don't want to hear about Brexit anymore, and we believe that the word 'breadstick' conjures up scenes and comments made by a scrotum-faced Theresa May." READ MORE... 

No amount of money can rejuvenate Bulwell 

Following the allocation of a derisory £10,000 'rejuvenation' grant, the people of Bulwell, Nottinghamshire, are shocked to discover that £10,000 isn't actually a great deal of money anymore, especially when the aspirations of the English market town are to develop and propel the town into the 21st century. READ MORE... 

Sellotaped spectacles signal a new socioeconomic status 

Britain's level of deprivation continues to take a downward spiral as new cases of sellotaped spectacles are reported each day. READ MORE... 

Homelessness is a myth 

Despite homelessness figures doubling since 2010, Theresa May and the Conservative government would like to use the issue to abuse the opposition leader, Jeremy Corbyn, rather than debate the issue rationally. READ MORE... 

Jellyfish to become amphibious by 2027 

Japanese microbiologists have predicted that a dramatic shift in the DNA of jellyfish indicates that they will be walking from the sea and into our homes within ten years. READ MORE... 

Donald Trump to become a Zapatista 

In what appears to be a dramatic attempt to defuse the Mexican government, Donald Trump has decided to take his right-wing, stroppy-teenager-political-rhetoric and join forces with the revolutionary leftist Zapatista Army of National Liberation. READ MORE... 

Nottingham University to host Mermaid masters 

From September, a 'mermaid' masters course will be made available to students at the Nottingham Trent University, along with other useless degree courses, such as 'basket weaving', 'the DNA of Kim Kardashian', 'good medical practice by Harold Shipman', and 'human taxidermy - with a foreword by Ed Gein' .READ MORE... 

Palm Tree demands to be deported 

A Nottinghamshire palm tree, usually native to subtropical conditions, has demanded to be sent to a country with a more affable climate. READ MORE... 

Daughter survives whole morning without father 

In what they are calling the greatest survival expedition since 'Alive', a three-year-old girl from Nottinghamshire has survived three whole hours without the presence of her father. 
 
In her first interview since the rescue, Aoibheann Williams speaks openly about her ordeal:-...READ MORE 

Potato Head arrested for kerb crawling 

Since the collapse of his marriage in 2010, soliciting a prostitute is just another offence to add to the insurmountable list of charges against the former actor....READ MORE 

Goldilocks fights for the right to arm bears 

Through the thicket, across the River Trent and into the deep, dark woods, Goldilocks, a rogue wasp scientist, has been studying anthropomorphic bears for almost a decade. 
 
Despite disapproval from the local authority, the RSPCA and the Police, the melanin-impoverished Goldilocks, 31, from Top Valley, continues an aggressive approach to forcing Parliament into allowing bears temporary access to British-built weaponry...READ MORE 

Sweatshop agent impressed by child's dexterity 

As a three-year-old sat patiently and adroitly threaded cotton through beads, Dai Xiuling, an agent for supply chains that encourage unimaginable working conditions akin to modern day slavery, watches with the enthusiasm of a stalking predator. READ MORE... 

Sword of Simón Bolívar discovered at North Notts allotment 

.Filled with mystery, intrigue, and speculation, the whereabouts of 'El Liberator's' sword has a long and tumultuous past. 
Since its theft from a Bogota museum, in 1974, the sword has been in the hands of political dictators, Marxist revolutionary groups and narco-terrorists. READ MORE... 

Dragon egg found during Easter hunt 

A mythical dragon's egg has been discovered in Wollaton Hall, Nottingham, after a child got lost for several hours during the annual Easter egg hunt. 
 
Melissa Stanford-Smith, 8, was lost on the fifth floor of the 16th century Elizabethan country house for five hours, before she emerged with a large, brightly coloured egg. READ MORE... 

Manual toothbrush caught in intimate embrace with electric Braun 

An inter-toothbrush relations debate has been sparked after it has emerged that two toothbrushes, from totally different parts of the world, have been having a secret affair The German Braun and a 'cheap' Chinese model have finally been exposed as lovers, after being captured during a tiled romp in a Nottinghamshire bathroom.. READ MORE... 

Child refuses to believe that education is an indoctrination designed to systematically destroy ingenuity 

An eight-year-old girl from Hucknall, Nottinghamshire, has made an outlandish remark on the penultimate day of term. 
 
Judy Travers, who attends the Ronald Reagan Infant and Junior school of Neoclassical entrenchment, has told a News of the World reporter that 'education is her friend and it is helping her to harness her creativity and provide her with the necessary skills that will help her achieve everything she wants in life'. READ MORE... 

Stella Artois scoops top 'Tramp Sick' award 

Stella Artois scooped several awards last night at the 9th annual 'Tramp Sick' award ceremony, hosted in Glasgow. 
 
Stella made surprise scoops in the 'anti-social behaviour' category, with the much coveted 'Wife Beater' award, and nudged Carlsberg Special Brew into second place with the prestigious 'Gentleman of the Road' award - an award previously dominated by Special Brew, Tennents Super, and White Lightning, for almost a decade. READ MORE... 

Englishman with no links to Ireland celebrates St. Patrick's day 

John Schechter, 27, from Harlow, has made the decision to 'throw a sickie' and go out on the p***, whilst using St. Patrick's day as a valid excuse. READ MORE... 

Fate of piñata still unknown 

The fate of an Asda piñata still, literally, hangs in the balance. 
 
"We know our fate," said Rodriguez De La Piñata, from Juarez, in north-east Mexico, "it is written in the ancient scriptures. We are made to suffer. It is only the length of our suffering that is always unknown. Sometimes, we are killed with a single blow from a twelve-year-old, but often, the weaker children prolong our death with their pitiful, limp-wrist strikes." READ MORE... 

Shopping centre to be converted into wasp factory 

The Broadmarsh Shopping Centre in Nottingham has largely been regarded as nothing more than a pointless portal for the public, as 98% of the tiresome store's footfall disregards the insipid retail outlets and the humdrum indoor coffee shops to commute elsewhere. Now, approval has been granted for the tedious site to be transformed into a glass container where billions of wasps will be attracted from as far away as Mexico, and then executed. READ MORE... 

Dolly Parton laments 'Jolene' remonstration 

In an emotional interview, promoting her new autobiography, Dolly Parton breaks the silence over that famous altercation with her husband's mistress, Jolene, after nearly forty-four years. READ MORE... 

In the future, everything will be made from Lego 

World leaders have announced today that provisions are to be made for all products, regardless of their size and structure, to be converted to a version made entirely from Lego. READ MORE... 

Three-year-old becomes world's youngest wine connoisseur 

A three-year-old from Nottinghamshire has fulfilled her lifelong dream of becoming a sommelier. 
 
Due to the ongoing concerns of social services, the fully trained wine professional will not develop her first wine list and publish her first pretentious book, aimed at gullible, upper class enthusiasts, until the autumn. 
 
When asked how she accomplished such an accolade, she simply replied, "It was easy. The human palate is the weakest of the five traditional senses, and the whole concept of wine tasting is innately bull****. READ MORE... 

Child consumed by ball pit and digested over a thousand years 

Despite speculation that children are being eaten by monsters at play centres, a picture has finally emerged of a toddler, moments before being sucked into the jaws of an alien beast that has found refuge in a plastic ball pit. READ MORE... 

Third Birthday not as insignificant as the first two 

Having recently turned three, a young girl has spoken out after being subjected to the usual ceremony of cake, balloons, events, and days out. 
 
"It was all still pretty pointless", said Aoibheann, "I just haven't developed the memory capacity yet to clearly remember the day in adulthood. I'll look back at the photos and admit, yeah, it all looked like fun; I enjoyed myself, but, to be honest, I wish they had put the money aside for a fortnight in Ibiza when I'm eighteen". READ MORE... 

Emerging arachnid thrives in ridiculous British climate 

A beautiful spider has found solace and ideal mating conditions in Britain due to its mild winters and near non-existent summers. 
 
Despite Brexit, global warming, and the threat of President Elect, Donald Trump, the fat yellow spiders says that they love British weather, the bland cuisine, growing nationalism and inequality. 
 
An insignificant study suggests that the yellow spiders will be here to stay until the impending nuclear war. 

Headless toy is not a Mild Mafia Message 

Parents in Nottinghamshire have been living in fear for the last eight months after discovering a headless figure beneath their bed sheets. 
 
A nationwide investigation, involving a local constabulary, private detectives, and the FBI has been taking place. 
 
The family have installed 45 surveillance cameras and hired two body guards since the gruesome find last March. A special envoy was sent to Sicily where negotiations started and finished with fine organic red wines and sea food pastas. READ MORE... 

Nottingham people too ignorant for beautiful architecture 

The Nottingham City Council have decided to demolish the beautiful architecture in Nottingham's city centre, brick-by-brick, and send it directly to Hull. 
 
A recent survey suggested that 98% of the population in Nottingham neither pay any attention to beautiful architecture nor give a s***. READ MORE... 

Woman reaches 'food pictures' stage in her life 

Andrea Smethwick-Thompson, 24, from Aylesbury, Buckinghamshire, has finally arrived at an illusory state in her life where she believes her friends and family are intrigued by the ingredients of her evening meal. READ MORE... 

Sylvanian family menaced by Pirates 

In the early hours of yesterday morning, a frightful band of misfit pirates plundered a quaint East Coast village, in North America, and subjected the immigrant family to a terrifying, four-hour ordeal. READ MORE... 

Spanish broccoli saved after friends and family perish in 'Lettuce Crisis' 

In a rare and candid interview through an interpreter, a Broccoli explains for the first time how he witnessed death on an unimaginable scale . 
 
"It was my worst nightmare ever," he said. "We all knew the frosts were coming to take us; it was lingering in the air all winter. It transcended slowly from the east. I could hear the screams of nearby vegetables in an adjacent field. My brothers and cousins were slightly higher than me but I could feel the movement of their shivering. We all sang through the night to keep our spirits high, and we prayed to be saved and served boiled on a plate to unappreciative British children." READ MORE... 

'Mermaid' is top job for young women 

The beach life at glamorous locations, the long shiny hair, the flexible working hours, and the potential of Hollywood stardom has always been an aspiration for many young girls when considering a career after school. READ MORE... 

Life Coaches to celebrate the 'working ethos' of Adolf Hitler 

In a newly published book, entitled 'Heal Me With Your Crime', top life coach, David Miller, explains how we can learn so much from the working ethos of former German Politician and 'Time' magazine, Man of the Year, Adolf Hitler. READ MORE... 

New Fiver's grandiose exchange 

During a cash transaction in a local Primark, a brand new five-pound-note traded a venomous tirade of abuse and expletives with two tenners, a score, and 72 pence in loose change. 
 
The plastic fiver became abruptly offensive and antagonistic when placed amongst older fivers. "He immediately demanded to be placed in a separate compartment, away from filthy, lower-class paper fivers," said a 1989 twenty-pence piece who was part of the loose change, and later exchanged in a Wetherspoons'. READ MORE... 

Capitalist enjoys a day out 

Instead of waiting until Halloween, a rich aristocratic Tory decided to visit Gulliver's Kingdom, in Matlock, wearing his finest capitalist attire whilst paying homage to imperialism and all that is self-preserving and unsympathetic. 

How long can Britain's economy survive on eating obsessions? 

Despite Man's ability to control fire and access more calories from meat for the last 400,000 years, human beings are increasingly turning mundane, zero-charisma, kitchen assistants - with nothing more than a home economics diploma - into Billionaire celebrities. 
 
Once seen as a necessary task to supply one's family with nutritional sustenance, cooking is now a leisure activity that serves as a form of national entertainment. READ MORE... 

Start 'em young 

Even Walt Disney and the original founders of Coca Cola knew that a combination of sugar and alcohol is the cornerstone of every child's nutritious breakfast. Just add a Big Mac and fries and your child is likely to succeed in life and possibly become an Olympic athlete by 22. READ MORE... 

Smokers First 

In an attempt to increase the dwindling numbers of young smokers, producers of Itv's popular 'Love Island' have stated that all of next year's contenders for the show 'must be keen to induce 
life threatening illnesses and have a propensity for looking cool, hot and sexy, whilst coughing up tar, smelling like a damp ashtray, and struggling for air after a short swim.' READ MORE... 

The truth behind those 'kitten heels' 

In her evil pet lair, deep beneath her abundant residence, Theresa May denies herself sleep to observe the live boiling process that strips kittens of their skins. READ MORE... 

Children should be disciplined like dogs 

Experts claim that children should be trained under a harsh regime, like puppy Alsatians.  
 
Aoibheann is now being subjected to a series of pushups and regimental marching that combine with her unnecessary chores, in an attempt to keep her out of prison and away from drugs and the filthy working classes. 
 
#discipline #chores 
#dusting #craftymilo #missmollysprettythings #alsatian 

Satan's work to continue through Theresa May 

Satan's work will continue through newly elected prime minister, Theresa May, it was announced yesterday. 
 
The rebel angel fell flamed through an ethereal sky and into 10 Downing Street on Tuesday morning, in the hope of bringing untold misery to millions. READ MORE... 

All failed empires revered people who could cook 

Despite Man's ability to control fire and access more calories from meat than ever for the last 400,000 years, humans are increasingly turning mundane, zero-charisma, kitchen assistants - with nothing more than a home economics diploma - into billionaire celebrities. 
 
Once seen as a necessary task to supply one's family with nutritional sustenance, cooking is now a leisure activity that serves as a form of national entertainment. READ MORE... 

Town of Culture 

A provincial North Nottinghamshire town has been awarded with the coveted 'Town of Culture' award for 2016, following its inspirational and artistic rivalry with its intellectual neighbour, Bulwell. 

Dough faced child exposed 

In 2008, Austrian chef, Gottfried Fleischmann, made a boy entirely from leftovers and named him Cornelius. He made his face from dough and raw chicken thighs, and used acorns for eyes, and pubic hair was mixed with flaxseed for his golden bonnet. READ MORE... 

Why? 

Obesity; brainwashing children; worker exploitation; environmental issues; abundant litter - anyone would think McDonald's is all about an unconscious profit. 
 
#aoibheannsSuite #mcdonalds #whyconsumethatshit 

ABOVE: #brexit - there is a way out. 

RIGHT:- Aoibheann's Uncertain World Lay Before Her. 
 
#aoibheannsSuite #uncertainty #field 
#vernonawalters #jimcarey 

Aoibheann, drawing inspiration from Japanese parents who abandon their children for punishment - Dad was left for six days without food or wine. 
 
#aoibheannsSuite #abandoned 
#field #trowell #yamato #theeagles #hotelcalifornia 
#parenthood 

Aoibheann - From The Gutter 

The miserable urchin finding what pleasure she can from the Tory-infested streets. 
 
#aoibheannsSuite #lesmiserables #poverty #inequality #dirtyknees #kidsmess #play #guttersnipe #deadendkids 

Austerity. 

To celebrate continued austerity, The Royal Mint have collaborated with our millionaire government to bring you a once in a lifetime offer: the 'eighty-two-pence coin'. READ MORE... 

Aoibheann's disastrous experiment involving the manipulation of DNA means she's having to leave another town. 
 
#theincrediblehulk  
#fugitive #backpacker 

If you can't stand the heat... 

"Dad, I'm just gonna turn the cooker on until gas floods the house...and when the thermostat kicks in, you will be able to see the explosion from space." 
 
#blast #gas 
#explosion #fightclub 

Aoibheann, discovering technology of the past. 

It gets worse. Aoibheann has sinced asked what Blu Ray is and claims that her viewing pleasure is somewhat diminished by a mere 4K resolution. Technology: where will it end? 

It's that feeding-the-ducks time of the year again 

It soon comes around each year, and kids seem to love it. It's like we're on a humanitarian mission with the dropping of much needed supplies. 
 
#anatidae 
#canal #aid 

Private Investigations 

#aoibheannsSuite #taxhaven 
#inequality #sociopath 
#business #loophole #taxavoidance 

Corporate Greed Is Child's Play 

Aoibheann's four easy steps to 
successful business management 
and people skills: 
 
1. Develop self-preserving sociopathic tendencies; 2. Employ people on minimum wage, take away their dignity and make them feel worthless; 3. Encourage your staff to feel grateful for their derisory salary by shouting slogans at them; 4. Develop a holding company to hide all profits off-shore, on an island like Grand Cayman.  
 
#taxhaven 
#sociopath #business #loophole. 

Weather Obesessive 

According to the rest of Southern Europe, I am weather obsessed. I continually bring it up in conversations, complain about the British climate being utterly deplorable and among the most miserable in the world, and I allow it to ruin my life. 
READ MORE... 

God Bless Iain Duncan Smith  

And we continue to lament the sad resignation of one of the Tory party's most lovable and generous characters. 
READ MORE... 

Ready for summer 2016? 

The end of March is that highly anticipated time of year when the clocks leap forward and the daylight rushes in. Unfortunately, the sun isn't is in any hurry to get its hat on. Another depressing summer is in anticipation. 

Celebrating far too many mediocre years of 'shushing' in social clubs 

Since its invention, Bingo has grown in popularity. It's like a magnet to pensioners, and the gluttons at British coastal resorts love nothing more than parking their fat arses and playing a few sheets while dining on a cone of chips and cheap lager. 
 
Unsociable, unexciting and mundane, it fits right in with bland British culture. So, if you like going out for a drink, listening to some music and chatting with your mates, you are gonna be vehemently 'shushed' by those who are content with the mediocrity of playing Bingo. 
 
#aoibheannsSuite #bingo #eyesdown 
#fullhouse 

Evolution 

Aoibheann - full of optimism and grandiose ideologies as she successfully continues to scale inclines quicker than her father. 
 
#climbing 
#parenthood #evolution 
21st March, 2016 - Aoibheann Above - delariously defeated by defiant daffodils. 
 
Aoibheann Right - During the letters section on Countdown. 

The Comfort Of Nepotism 

21st March, 2016 
Nepotism can sometimes be a lose-lose situation. However, Aoibheann's dad would have been gladly accepting of a shed load of nepotism when leaving school and getting a job. It is often seen as a social crime, because it helps the rich to get richer and the poor continue to get their faces trampled on as they struggle to get out of the s#!t. 
 
What does Aoibheann have to gain from her parents? 
 
Well, apart from great genes, she has the freedom of choice. Yep, she will have to make her own way in life...because Mum and Dad ain't gonna give her anything of material value. 
 
#aoibheannsSuite #inheritance 
#ibiza #partyhard #cosy 
#hotel 

Answers For A New Generation 

18th March, 2016 
Aoibheann, questioning the worsening situation for the disabled. 

Culinary Character Creation 

 
 
In order to ensure that Aoibheann appreciates inequality and poverty, this month, her parents are keeping her on the brink of starvation by feeding her once a day on a dry tub of pasta and lentils - just look at her go...ravenous. 

Rebel Without A Pause 

 
Dressed as a young Suffragette, Aoibheann is troubled by modern day democracies and quietly informs me that she has relentlessly initiated an armed revolution behind my back with an international team of Marxists, who are strongly in favour of tough agrarian reforms. 
 
 
 
 
#agrarianreform #suffragette 

Stained 

Social Services have discovered a child who is stained for life, after being left alone for four days with Wilko's ready mix paint. 
 
In what seemed to be some kind of tribute to the recently deceased David Bowie, Aoibheann, from Nottinghamshire, was found at the scene wearing an old shirt, once worn by Ernest Hemmingway, with a gallon of Sunny Delight, a cured ham, and the family's pet goat named Alan, whilst trying to paint herself as Ziggy Stardust. 
Her parents were later found drinking Prosecco in a car showroom, wearing handmade Italian shoes, designer clothes and condemning the poor whilst carrying a copy of The Sun newspaper. 
 
They later said that they were too busy with paying the mortgage and dealing with matters surrounding materialistic one-upmanship to be concerned with any longterm, sustainable commitment to their daughter, and concluded that they will seek a paid carer to assist them with their incessant consumerism. 
 
#aoibheannsSuite #stained #hemmingway #materialistic #incessantconsumerism 

The Disgruntled Artist 

 
 
Face wiped, brushes away, paint all used. Aoibheann's creative mind switches to one of contempt for the perpetrator of her artistic demise. 
 
 
Despite seeking her forgiveness, her father may have to continue the rest of his days without it. 
 
 
 
#mess #contempt #forgiveness 
Above:- Aoibheann's new tribal tattoo. 
A little ray of sunshine emerging.......and a beam of sunlight above her head. 
"I don't like your rich tones, young lady." 
 
Aoibheann, advertising the entire new range of Dulux paints...all at once. 
 
#aoibheannsSuite #dulux #richtone 
Definitely Unannounced 
 
Aoibheann, ready for a late night social visit. 
 
#aoibheannsSuite #kidsshouldntsocialiseafterdark 

Playing Against Winter and Cosy Confines  

Aoibheann, defiant against winter chills and a frost-filled slide. 
 
Even though she loves her Dad, Aoibheann would prefer to see him freeze on the park in subzero temperatures than sit at home in the warmth. 
 
#aoibheannsSuite #winter2016 #parklife 
#defiant 

The Corporate Photograph  

Thanks to social media, more and more people are feeling the necessity to routinely compare themselves to others. So much emphasis is now placed upon competition that the humble C.V. has become more of an integral part of employment than intelligence, wit, personality, diligence, and the ability to carry out a series of tasks over a forty-hour-week.  
 
Aoibheann, demonstrates how a passport-sized photo should look for business purposes: smug and unassuming, welcoming but cold, smart but aesthetically apathetic. 
 
The photo should say more about condescending sociopathic traits than a desire to put huge profits before people that will inevitably find their way to a tax haven. 
 
Aoibheann believes her look gives the persona of someone who has a propensity to rip people off and really doesn't care - result! 
 
#aoibheannsSuite #taxhaven #karenbrady #ripoffbusiness 
#corporatephoto 

Spud Thief Caught On Camera 

 
 
In desperate scenes not witnessed since the Irish potato famine, Aoibheann interferes with the cctv camera before embarking on Europe's largest ever potato theft. 
 
 
#aoibheannsSuite #caughtoncamera #potato 

Defiant. 

 
 
Despite her eviction notice, Aoibheann says she's going nowhere.  
 
2015 saw a continued increase in the number of people sleeping rough on Britain's streets.  
 
#aoibheannsSuite #evictionnotice #defiant #house. 

You'd Be Surprised...... 

Most people assume that stay-at-home-dads live this mundane, repetitive existence that borders mild insanity, with little adult conversation and no time for personal hygiene and sleep, let alone a creative outlet or time to relax and collect one's own thoughts. 
 
It's not just play groups with other people's ill-disciplined kids and misguided child minders, dirty nappies, primitive educational games, an afternoon spent preparing several meals, endless trips to the supermarket and cartoons. No, it's far more exciting than that. 
 
With so much success and time on their hands, God has decided to actually ignore them and concentrate his efforts on Donald Trump, as her father continues to justify his existence by posting regular clips on social media sites in an attempt to convince people - who generally don't give a tuppeny-jizz about him or Aoibheann - that they are hugely successful and as gleeful as a morning healthfood advert. 
 
#parenthood #dads #donaldtrump #granddesigns #theguardian #prosseco 
Over the past thirteen months, Aoibheann's father has had so much time on his hands that he finds himself spending the afternoons sipping cheap sparkling Italian wine, which has unaccountably reinvented itself as the bourgeois-sounding Prosecco. He has learned how to make cheese, navigate the oceans by using the stars, speak several different languages, learn the saxophone, surf, produce music videos at all inclusive resorts in Ibiza - filtering out all the ugly people over 35 and giving the impression that all residents are professional dancers. Aoibheann is close to completing her private pilot's licence, and her father has secured contracts for redecorating the Sistine Chapel and renovating a 12th century castle in Edinburgh where the owners will appear on Grand Designs as a smug, disconnected, upper-class couple who are so oblivious to the world around them that they will speak of their £8million ostentatious investment - which was part of an inheritance - as if it was found behind the back of a sofa during a loose change search. Aoibheann is also helping find a cure for the common Cold and her father is writing a column in The Guardian about the myth of alcoholism. 
Far Left: Aoibheann - poppin' and not stoppin'. 
 
#aoibheannsSuite #pringles 
Left: Aoibheann - elaborately signing another masterpiece. 
 
It's astonishing what Aoibheann can do with a doodle. 
 
#aoibheannsSuite 
#chalk #chalkboard 
#banksy 
25th, December, 2015 
Aoibheann wishes everyone a very merry Christmas X. 
 
#aoibheannsSuite #christmas2015 
Horizontal. 
A Bad Hair Day 
Aoibheann is getting ready for Christmas by adapting to a dull climate; embracing nihilism; preparing to be disappointed; creating a system of revenge for those people who sent her cheap Asda Christmas cards, and starting towards a huge anti-climax that will result in a day built around the turkey: the world's most bland meat. If only cardboard had nutrional value. 
 
#merrychristmasstarbucks 
#aoibheannsSuite 
#turkey 
Aoibheann, discussing the size of the planet, the human population, time zones, and space time continuem with Mum. 
 
#aoibheannsSuite #santa #quantumphysics #sleighbells #christmas 

7th, December, 2015 

Team Happy was in control of Aoibheann's world today. 
 
She managed to visit the soft play centre in Stapleford - 'Little Drivers' - and she successfully managed to avoid unprovoked attacks by toddlers who are ignored and neglected by childminders who use such establishments as a two hour opportunity to gossip and sip coffee with other childminders who are motivated purely by profit and not the wellbeing of the children they have responsibility for. 
 
 
If there was ever a reason not to allow your child to socialise and visit soft play centres, it's other people's kids in the hands of registered child minders. In fact, it's probably a sign that more parents should give up work and look after their own children. 
 
#aoibheannsSuite #softplay #stapleford #neglect #littledrivers #childminder #disneypixar #insideout #toddlersatplay #toddlers 

Polished Presentations  

 
 
Aoibheann, handing out her new business cards. 
 
 
 
#aoibheannsSuite 

Nuisance Calls 

RIGHT: Aoibheann, vexed by another annoying call from someone 'just doing their job' - 
 
"How many God-damn times! I don't want solar panels, a will, a ppi claim, and I haven't been involved in a f@%in' accident!" 
 
Aoibheann, showing intense frustration over another nuisance call. 
 
#nuisancecalls #aoibheannsSuite #solarpanels 
#frustrated #backtothefutureday 
ABOVE: #aoibheannsSuite #bigmac #mcdonalds #cocacola #greed #obesitykills #disney #exploitation #minimumwage #poison #litter #deception #food #health #unhealthy #nhs #sugar 

Good Together 

When we think of food that tastes 'good together', the combinations that often spring immediately to mind are delights such as mussels and wine, ham and pineapple, cheese and grapes, fresh bloomer bread with olive oil and balsamic vinegar, chicken cooked in cream, prawns and salad, curry and basmati rise; not a Big Mac soaked in Coca-Cola. 
 
However, when McDonald's and Coca-Cola do combine, we think of poor nutrition, ill health, obesity, indigenous communities exploited for their land and services, minimum income service industry work, tooth decay, environmental concerns, children enticed and cajoled by additives, sugars and crap Disney toys, and - in this instance - litter. 
 
I do not consider any of the McDonald's/Coke combinations to be good. In fact, it's so highly debatable that this shocking statement is bordering a misleading deception of the highest greedy-exploitative-corporation type. 
 
 

The incontinence of a sub-continent call centre 

Like any other call centre for a multi-national company, Aoibheann insists that all staff are under-paid, work long unsociable hours to nonsensical targets that only benefit the CEO and the shareholders, persuade the public to buy things they don't need, offer chocolates as an incentive to obese staff, and refer to companies such as BP, Coca-Cola, The United Fruit Company, Starbucks, and Eon as parent companies who are 'all friends of nature'. 
 
Just like Eon's call centre, Aoibheann's establishment will give the persona of morality and professionalism, whilst brainwashing its staff with such hypersensitive twaddle that the job takes over their lives and transforms their personality into something so creepy that they become offended by their own conscience. 
 
Aoibheann also ensures us that the sexist back-stabbing atmosphere will be so intense that it will make the hate fuelled agenda of The Sun newspaper look like a a coffee morning at a Salvation Army internet café. 
ABOVE: Aoibheann is capitalising on the fact that there is such a demand for call centres that, according to the Jobcentre - which, incidentally, is nothing to do with finding jobs for people - they now provide one in three UK jobs. 

8th October, 2015 - Aoibheann, modelling the hotel's latest bidet 

The Bidet: The reason why the French use less toilet paper than anyone else. 
 
This hygenically cleaned bidet provided hours of fun for Aoibheann as it is one of the very few water-based facilities that provides a knee-high tap she can actually reach. 
 
Whilst playing, the design allows the water to remain mainly in the deep bowl and the nearby drain in the floor tiles added further peace of mind. 
 
It was an unexpected surprise for Aoibheann when a French lady explained that the English term 'the trots' - commonly used when someone is s#i%%ing through the eye of a needle when on holiday at a resort with hygiene issues - is derived from the French word 'bidet'. 
 
It's amazing what nonsense Aoibheann can learn when relaxed on holiday and enjoying the company of others who spend the afternoon tanked-up on quality wine. And the teachers claim that holidays are not educational...! 
 
 

Aoibheann, Gripped By Social Media 

Driving new forms of social interation, dialogue, exchange and collaboration, social media now leaves a huge impact on people's lives. Over 60% of internet-connected individuals now participate in social media of some form. Twitter was once a place where people could read about someone else's cat, now it provides breaking news. 
 
Aoibheann will be part of a new generation of people who will come to accept its existence and instinctively conform - like her father accepted Disney, subbuteo, the Monarchy, Pot Noodle, Capitalism and lawn darts. No matter whether she disapproves of, or embraces the ramifications of, she will blindly follow billions of people into an expansive connection. 
 
Aoibheann will be informed of what to expect and she will receive information based on past experiences, beliefs, and empirical evidence. Nothing has really surprised Aoibheann about how an internet-based social psychology works. Take facebook for instance. She's neither vexed nor shocked by the content and how people interact. It comes as little surprise to her that some people remain disingenuous, unable to empathise, ignorant, ultra-materialistic, ultimately selfish and often deceitful whilst displaying their status in an attempt to proclaim recognition and reverence. The almost anticipated abhorrent actions of human beings and the attempt to markets oneself are indicative of a world we have inherited. The regular suffering and the contradictions of life are what we have all been conditioned to accept. 
But, despite what is perceived to be acceptable, through the duality of inequality and exploitation amidst a desire for justice and peace - that which is anticipated and consciously embraced on a daily basis - what Aoibheann cannot prepare herself for, and what she cannot abide is: 'THE F@C%IN ' INCESSANT REQUESTS AND INVITATIONS TO PARTICIPATE IN FACEBOOK GAMES!!' 
#socialmedia #aoibheannsSuite #facebook #humanity #twitter #mb #gameoflife 

Empty Second Homes 

Apparently there is a housing shortage....? 
 
During Aoibheann's holiday in the Algarve, this September, she witnessed about 75% of the apartments being left empty. It is a stark contrast to the usual bustling crowds her parents are familiar with on a holiday surrounded by rows of apartments. It was like a string of ghost towns out there. Obviously, the owners were either in their first or third homes, or even on their yacht for the winter. 
 
Even the fleeing refugees don't want them because they can't comprehend the difference between net income and a good standard of living, as they avoid countries like Portugal, France and Spain, in favour of Germany and the UK. 
 
There are billionaires even buying properties in exclusive locations and not even living in them! They are simply using them as investments opportunities because they are aware of the potential for huge returns over a number of years. 
 
If you ever wondered how many people have second homes in this country, check this out:- http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/election-2015-32393222 
 
#aoibheannsSuite #inequality #housingshortage #portugal #armacaodepera #algarve #wealthylife 

A Photograph: An Opportunity 

A photograph is an opportunity - 
 
I took the opportunity to take a picture of this quaint little church in the Algarve, Portugal, for Aoibheann, before it sadly plummets to its demise off the edge of a cliff, which is slowly eroding into the Atlantic ocean. 
 
Aoibheann is sadly too young to appreciate its splendor, but she will hopefully return one day when it is replaced by the tide, surronded by a Starbucks, offshore wind farms that resemble the machines used by the martians in H.G. Wells' 'War Of The Worlds', and filthy fast food establishments. 
 
#armacaodepera 
#algarve #portugal #pera #climatechange #catholic 
#church #cross #faithnomore #faithnotfear #aoibheannsSuite #burgerking #mcdonalds #starbucks 

Aoibheann's Autumnal Alpha 

See how the colour of the autumnal leaves blend in perfectly with the moss growing on the car? 
 
Even the remnants of the chesnut husks provide a fitting tribute to the depressing season of disintegration and the weathered car. 
 
The only recent interaction is shown in the form of tiny footprints, left by the vermin squirrel and the interfering Aoibheann. 
 
#aoibheannsSuite #alpharomeo #topgear #autumn #disintegration #conkers #britishweather #fourseasons 

One Aoibheann and Her Dog 

Just like some of the other wrong-headed individuals in the Trowell Park area, Aoibheann is encouraging her dog to dispatch its faeces on the grass, and then refusing to bag it. 
 
She finds that it creates an insanitary and hideous environment to raise children in. 
 
So why would anyone do it?  
 
Is this inability to clean up after one's animal just plain old lazy, or is it a sick game for misguided fools? 
27th September, 2015 

URGENT APPEAL - There is nothing more lamentable than the sight of an abandoned jet ski. 

Miles from its pleasure zone and scorched by the inland heat on dry land; no sea breezes or waves to lap its weathered shell, the jet ski sits alone and empty of fuel. 
 
For just £5 a month, you can give this suffering machine a home, with fresh salty sea air and waves to make it feel happy again. 

Is the face of Kinder a descendent of a Nazi?  
 
Kinder, the German word for 'Children' is rich in milk, big on taste, and heavy on the Aryan imagine.  
 
The boy's face on Aoibheann's multi-bar box looks as if it could have once appeared courtesy of a 1939 Nazi propaganda video. 
 
Aoibheann believes that this face was also the scientific measure of a strict hierachy of human race; the 'master race'. You couldn't even imagine him speaking anything other than a Nordic or Germanic language. 
 
Kinder's chocolate and confectionery products may well be Italian made now, but the marketing image has roots that remain solely in 1939, Nazi Germany. Do you agree? Is this chocolate guilty of being over-priced, very tasty, racist, highly addictive, and extremely right-wing? - You decide. 

Return Of The Dread 

27th September, 2015 
ABOVE:- Back to the crazy world of Aoibheann - ruined sea-soaked hats, toy's shoes, and bears in plastic pushchairs wearing nappies. 
It's a time many of us dread - especially Aoibheann's dad. There is a heavy, nauseating feeling of dread in one's stomach, like waiting for the electric chair on death row.  
 
Returning home is physically and mentally draining, and there is very little to look forward to during this very intense and very discouraging moment. It's not just the British weather we fear, it's the rat race and the drudgery of long humdrum days that have to be endured before the next holiday can even be contemplated. There are bills waiting; unwanted relatives; bland food; backstabbing friends; a boss who is a complete and utter arsehole, and incessant calls from solar panel companies. 
 
However, the muddy obstacle course of everyday life can seem like a walk in a Health & Safety approved child's recreational area when your days are lit up by the children in your life. Aoibheann knows that her parents no longer dread coming home after a fortnight in the sun, because they have her to lift them and fill their winter days with soft summer breezes and a never ending fatigue. 
 
ABOVE: #stylok #stylokids - she sure Daddy's Niñita 

Aoibheann's Comin' Atcha 

3rd September, 2015 
Aoibheann - getting all gangsta and in Dad's face. 

When One Is Never Enough 

26th September, 2015 
"Lollypop, anyone?" - 
 
Aoibheann, exploiting the gap in the lollypop market. 

Just The Essentials 

18th September, 2015 
Aoibheann is packed! One case for shoes and the other for nappies. 

Don't Let Her Board! 

18th September, 2015 
"Dad, just thought I'd let you know, I am carrying scissors and hand cream." - A.M. at EMA 

What Is AoibheannTrying to Push On Us? 

25th September, 2015 
Colourful Jawa found on Tattooine. 

Algarve Sun Fun 

25th September, 2015 
Portuguese exhaustion. Too much sun and far too many chips - Aoibheann with love. 

Technological Drawing 

9th September, 2015 

Aoibheann - concentrating on the design specifications for a new Death Star. She has been commissioned by Emperor Palatine to design and build a technological terror which will be the ultimate force in the galaxy by 2020. It will be completely solar powered and will house a trash compactor which will - quite unaccountably - be the home of a large aquatic creature. 

Parental Responsibility 

10th September, 2015 

Aoibheann is beginning to realise that with parenthood comes much responsibility. You can't just run off and abandon your baby in the pushchair when you see the park. That would be completely irresponsible and possibly illegal. 

Aoibheann against Trophy Hunters 

5th September, 2015 

Cookie ravaged by evil trophy hunter - the cookie didn't stand a chance. 
 
Aoibheann says that she didn't know it was a protected cookie, and her South African guide said it was o.k. to devour it. 

The Look of Guido 

9th September, 2015 

Aoibheann has decided that she will keep the' Guy Fawkes' look, it's growing on her. 

Nailed It 

17th September, 2015 

Aoibheann has done her nails, ready for her holiday. 

Trainspotting 

5th September, 2015 

Aoibheann, the refugee, mistaking the train in the dull and pointless Broadmarsh Centre for the passenger train thrpugh the Channel Tunnel. 
 
However, in Aoibheann's defence, there were more EU immigrants in the vicinity than there are at Calais, and the majority of them work at Muffin Break. 

Seeking Rainy Refuge 

3rd September, 2015 

Aoibheann and Dad, keeping dry under a canal bridge, like two homeless British people who are living off soup kitchens and food banks, because the government cannot resolve inequality and the largest income disparity in the world. 

9th September, 2015 - Even Bathtime With Aoibheann Invokes Political Debate 

"I don't want to be nice, I'm going to HBS." 

3rd September, 2015 

Against her father's wishes, Aoibheann signs her application for Harvard Business School. 

The Bailout 

3rd September, 2015 

"You'll have to carry on without me, Dad, I'm just taking a nap." - Aoibheann, snoozing and losing.  

"Oh....my name? It's..." 

3rd September, 2015 

Whilst raiding Dad's bookcase, Aoibheann discovers J.R. Hartley's missing book. That poor old man has been looking for that since 1978. 

"Oh, Noooo!" 

2nd August, 2015 

"Oh no!" - Aoibheann's frustration hitting an all time high. 

Stage 1: The Seating Position 

3rd August, 2015 

"Like this, Dad?" - Aoibheann, still unable to master 'potty training'. 

Cafe Culture 

31st August, 2015 

Aoibheann's caffeine addiction finally gets the better of her. 

Refugee Relief 

31st August, 2015 

And after several months of digging, Aoibheann finally emerges on a beach in Montevideo and claims asylum -  
 
"Please help me. Our right-wing warmongering government is oppressive and unfair; people are having to live off food banks, and our weather is pitiful. Please accept my application." 

The Migrant Crisis 

4th August, 2015 

"Well, I don't care how many illegals are getting in. I won't be able to measure-up the fence until next Thursday. I've left my extension cable on a site in Droitwich, and I have mislaid my French dictionary ." - 
 
Aoibheann, breaking the news to David Cameron that she won't be able to start work on the ten mile immigration fence at Calais. 

Phone Fetish 

3rd August, 2015 

We thought we'd spend a relaxing afternoon in Bruce Wayne's back garden, but all Aoibheann wanted to do was spend time making important business calls to Greece. 

Aoibheann, feeding Chestnut. Fortunately, this horse is quite low maintenance and doesn't require the morning ritual of 'mucking out'. 

Aoibheann, participating in another dirty protest. 

The 'Skips Rat' is in the house. 

"Put a lid on it, Aoibheann." 

When The Day Just Gets Too Much For Aoibheann 

Another Busy Day In The Office  

Prior To Water Play... 

...After Water Play 

Aoibheann Against The World... and Trophy Hunting 

17th July, 2015 

When the hunter becomes the hunted - that wiped the smug Victorian look off his face. 

Dogs, Children, Action! 

16th July, 2015 

Never work with children, animals, or either with sand. 

Swizzel On That 

16th July, 2015 

Aoibheann - so grateful for the existence of Swizzels Matlow Ltd. 

"Ready!" 

23rd July, 2015 

Aoibheann and The Giant Peach. 

Petite, But The Magical Real World 

15th July, 2015 

RIGHT: "Alfie, see if you can use magic to turn this wooden fruit into something edible." - Aoibheann and Alfie in the wonderful world of an imaginary kitchen. 

Aoibheann Aggregates 

8th July, 2015 

High quality silica sand, distributed and supplied from Aoibheann's very own quarry. Catering for all sectors, this hard wearing, low attrition rate sand comes in naturally occurring colours - from white to sandy - and is ideal for primary and ancillary energy dissipation purposes. Aoibheann uses fluidised bed boilers to ensure that the sand is spread evenly, resulting in the achievement of a constant temperature and the elimination of cold spots. Currently serving the beverage, food, leisure and paper industries, Aoibheann's sand is second to none, and also available on Arabic beaches. 
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Road Rage, She Has